Rainbow and Rain

I hope this hopelessness weren’t real

All these frantic feelings and emotion

Broken pieces of my aching heart

Wrapped neatly in a silky pouch

Oh how I long for your touch..

I am crying inside

Every smile grows a pain

Glowing face with a dying flame

The only light I see is getting dim

Please bring to me that bright sunlight..

I am broken, I am shattered

My night is rich of moonlit tears

There’s something You keep away from me

And I want it very badly

But why can’t You see?

I am blinded I confess

I am driven by something unholy

Yet I don’t want to loosen my grip

You are still my home to return to

I need Your power to overcome this

My all being is begging You

Begging You to please release me

Free me from this pain

Free me from this chain

I will be lost without You..

This is one of the days when I get so stressed out because of my marital status. There’s this guy, Abby’s friend. We met him when we went to Bali. I wasn’t even talking that much to him at that time and we didn’t really spend much time hanging out. So I barely thought of him. We became friends on Facebook some time after Christmas, I think. But I hardly had thought of him. Now he added me on Skype and just today we had a chat for more than 6 hours. He figured out that I’m not 23 years old from my Skype profile. And he politely double checked. Bummer! I wasn’t upset that he found out, I’m more enraged to realize that I’m not 23. Yes, being much older than him shut so many doors of opportunity. That sort of feeling sucks! It’s like a bucket of despair was poured over me. And Amy’s post on Tim’s wall saying that we miss him whatsoever. Argh, I think she’s so insensitive! I don’t know why I don’t feel a sincerity in her post at all. But yeah, she can do whatever she wants. But I’ve already seen it as a very inconsiderate action of her, since she knows about how I feel for Tim. I just think it’s not what a friend should do to her friend’s crush. *SIGH* And I saw a bunch of pictures of Tim with his female friends in Australia. Man, they’re having a blast for sure! And I feel like I could never take a part in his life like that. It just made me so sad and hopeless.

So.. I think I have to quit once and for all. I have to quit waiting and hoping for him or any other good possibilities. There’s nothing. Me and him are so much different. I have to kill it, seriously. I’m lying my hope on a make-believe foundation. It’s just so stupid! I want to quit.. Lord, I want to stop falling..

Sometimes, one single moment can bring you down. You have tried, God knows you have tried hard.. to love people, to make them feel cared about, to comfort them, to be there for them. But still it’s not enough for people to remember you. Not enough for you to make the top of their mind. I often wonder why. How to make yourself be etched on someone’s brain? I sometimes think that pain gives better impression than comfort. I know when I help people or when I love people, I’m not asking for a reward. But it’s just funny how good deeds or kindness doesn’t really stay in one’s memory. People tend to forget what you’ve done for them. It hurts, yes it does. It feels like you’ve been doing good for nothing.

It’s been a struggle for me. I always feel like people don’t know how to thank me for what I’ve done for them. But I always let myself redirect my focus. It’s about Jesus, it’s not about me. Nobody does good, except God alone. And as written in 3 John 1:11, “Beloved, do not imitate evil but imitate good. Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God.” So I shouldn’t boast. All the good things I do, is from and for God! No matter how other people treat or remember us, God sees what we’re doing. God knows we are extending His love and we are only His tool. Basically we don’t deserve to be loved at all. Most importantly, God loves me anyway and I do matter in His eyes. And you shall not seek the praise or worship of man, all the praises belong to God!

1. Walking away slowly from FB. This online network has started to play tricks on my emotions. I don’t want it to affect me that much anymore.

2. Detaching myself from the group. They are a bunch of awesome people, amazingly God-loving and fun at the same time. But they’ve become my idol. My fear of losing them or time with them has overpowered me. I want God to be my only and number one idol.

3. To stop shopping so often! Seriously, I have to stop spending money on fashion.. I have enough clothes in my wardrobe for any occasions and my accessories are overflown already. I have to spend money more for Jesus!

4. To read more! Books, articles, news, etc. I reckon it’s a good escape from thinking about myself too much.

5. To be emotionally retarded.

Dear Father God, seriously.. I have to get over him. I know that my mind and heart can’t be fully focused on you if I still have this thought of him wandering around. Father, I just want to dwell in You and Your words.. and I really don’t want to detract You in my life. I want to submit only to Your will and be selfless. You know my heart, You know that I long to being with someone who loves you first and foremost. You know how I long to have someone to serve You together with. You know I want to have kids. Yet Father, only You know what is the best for me. If he doesn’t pursue me, it simply means he can’t serve best the purpose of You creating me. He is just not for me. And Father God, You certainly have a much better thing in plan. The best one for all…

“Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven..”

I bumped into an episode of The Bachelorette show on TV last night. If you don’t know what the show is about, it’s so-called a reality TV show about a single girl looking for the right guy to be married to. And a bunch of guys are carefully selected, they line up and do their best to win the girl’s heart. There are stages to narrow down the girl’s options until she chooses the one at the end. It used to be one of my favorite shows. Why? Well.. it seemed like a fairy tale when a bunch of princes charming lining up for a princess. I was enjoying the romantic scenes and thought it was an effective way to find your significant other. I fed myself too much with love stories and soppy romantic ideology, so I got too easily infatuated by all the love themed actions and the cute couples on that show. Back then I didn’t think of the possibility of fake or the mental turmoil when you have to make a decision with the rest of your life at stake, or how short the period is to get to know someone. Anyone could appear so loving, cute, caring, romantic on TV.. but is it for real? Yeah, I didn’t think about those stuff back then and fell in love right away with the idea of how simple it is to meet someone, be in love and get married. Maybe because I was watching one episode with this one sweet girl who eventually got married to a sweet handsome genuine guy.. a perfect couple who are still together and love each other up to this day.
So the episode that I watched last night was a bit different. This girl was struggling so much to pick one of the last two guys standing. She said she’s in love with both of them which was not natural. Her friends told her to follow her instinct and take a leap of faith. But it didn’t help as she was so torn between the two of them. She was so scared of making a wrong decision and getting hurt. As an audience I could see clearly which guy that I would choose if I were her, because I see what they are doing or thinking when they’re not with her. And I felt like she’s making a wrong choice just because this guy she chose seemingly didn’t love her that much. Well, that’s my opinion.. but I’m sure she had reasons why she picked that guy and I didn’t feel her emotions or chemistry between them either. But then it got me thinking. I’m often there, in that girl’s shoes. I think I’m making the right decision but it probably is not the right option to pick. That’s why I need to run to God. He can see the whole thing going on, perfectly entirely. He can see what other people are doing and thinking.. He sees the whole picture while I can only see 1 tiny piece of puzzle. That is why we have to trust Him. He doesn’t just stand there watching ‘our show’, the greater thing is.. He knows all of us very well, is in control of all things happening, loves us deeply, knows what’s best for us and is capable of giving us what we need. He has the power to make things happen, things that are not random or coincidental… they’re happening for a good reason, better purpose and His glory. That is what I’m planning to do about my significant other.. to trust the Lord 100%. Only God knows who that guy really is and I pray that He will reveal him to me in His perfect timing :)

P.S: As a matter of fact, I browsed and found a couple of videos of my favorite bachelorette and her husband. I fell in love with them once again. They are just sweet, super cute and so in love with each other :) The best couple ever!